rafael pyton

My unbridled love of Captain Cousteau’s amazing underwater adventures is well known in the buroughs I move in, and it has manifested itself in many of my friends recommending the movie The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou [2004] to me. And I listen to my friends - on occasion, anyway.

So, after paying attention, I bought said film this summer on dvd, but as so many times when there are exceptionally high anticipations riding along, I wait for the stars to align just right before I can endulge freely. That was last Sunday - and had I written a film report late that Sunday evening it would have resulted in GODs and exclamation marks… let’s see if I can stay more level-headed now, half a week later.

GAWD, I LOVE THIS FILM!!! Sorry. There are still some outbursts left bubbling - I am an emotional dude, and I tend to (let myself) get caught up in the moment in a big way. GAWD, I LOVE THIS FILM!!! Sorry. But I do extract the most from films this way…

Interestingly, this remarkable film received mixed reviews when it was released 2 years ago. Some think it is plain odd. Not me, because I call it quirky, and I use this word in the most positive and best way possible. Quirky as in charming, wonderful, ingenious, creative, fantastic, witty, original, sparkling, humorous, clever, jocular… ah, I should buy a Synonym Dictionary, so I could go on and on and on and on and on. Not off.

I have always rated director Wes Anderson, proof being The Royal Tenenbaums [2001] in my tallish dvd pile, but until now, I would have used quirky in a lesser way about good Wes. Now, I’m convinced he’s a genious. Rushmore [1998] is next on my must-see Wes Anderson list.

I derail. Deep breath, back under water. The actors, “Oooh!”, I fawn. About Bill Murray, what can you say? Is he the greatest actor alive right now? Shit yeah! And what about Willem Dafoe, as Klaus, iiiih hiii iii he made me laugh like a hyena. Owen Wilson is great, Cate Blanchett, ditto, Anjelica Huston as well, even Jeff Goldblum, forever the fly.
It’s simply a complete and hysterical brain party to watch this movie, and it is filled to the brim with totally crazy plot twists and madcap ideas - without falling apart on its own brilliance.

Why stop there when you can have the soundtrack? There are actually two soundtracks, if you are on the move - like me, who downloaded them instantly. Ever heard what David Bowie sounds like in Portuguese? Neither did I, but Seu Jorge’s tunes are a match made in heaven. Moreover, Seu Jorge actually has an amusing role in the movie, as the laid-back guitarman Pelé who sings Bowie in Portuguese all the time…

As I said, QUIRKY. Perfectly. I think I’m still laughing and crying.

Mikael Lilius, Fortum President and CEO.

Who is the most humiliated man in Finland?

Mikael Lilius, Fortum President and CEO.

[I am rollickin' n' frolickin' in Schadenfreude. The little people have spoken, and for once the big man had to bend over and take it from behind. Normally, on a daily basis, it is the other way around; BUT THIS only happens once in a thousand years, so enjoy it! Live it! Love it!]

You must see this. But I hope you haven’t just eaten, or is just about to eat. The excerpt goes like:

“Today, to the day, it has been two years since motorcycle boy came tumbling down from outer space. And landing hard.
By publishing these pictures, I celebrate my second life. I’ve been very blessed, because man is usually restricted to one only.”

Can you guess what kind of pictures? Then, sit up straight, make sure you have a bucket by your side, and click on The Pyton Horror Picture Show!

[Pages-column to the right!].

You always remember your first time.

It never seizes to amaze me, the things you can dig up on the internet. Zum Beispiel, just recently I happened, by pure chance, to stumble upon THE defining video of the 1980s: the trashiest of eurotrash, the popcorniest of Italo disco, it can only be sultry Sabrina’s über-camp ‘Boys’. Needless to say, I jumped at the chance of downloading this treasure… chest.

You need to understand that this video made me feel all kinds of otherworldly and interplanetary urges in the 1980s - a fact I instantly and vividly remembered as I stared the 67mb file in its face. Oh, I rejoiced, heavily. Here it was, a rare opportunity to go back in time and visit my sweet adolescence over again - if not for more than 3 minutes and 47 seconds! What bliss!

The video itself is among the worst ever made, easily. But back then, as an impressionable youth of the happy-go-lucky 1980s, my one-track mind certainly didn’t notice any flaws in directing and editing. DUUH - it was all about the casting and the acting, believe you me!
Do pick it up if you can, because it is me-mo-ra-ble to the maximus. The many images of Sabrina, again and again stepping out of the very wet swimming pool, her excuse for a bikini not quite following her movements, well well Derek Bell, such are the very things you build a lad’s life on.

[[Bonus cocktail information: 'Boys' was banned in many European countries. Sometimes they used to show cut versions on the Top Forty Lista in Finland - talk about reasons for anarchy!]]

So, did this sensational landmark of pop history stir me up again, all grown up and living in the future - also known as the 21 century? Well, a little, admittedly, as I couldn’t close my mouth or stop smiling. Strangely enough, I never did see any hints of humour in the video in 1987.

More than that, I saw a certain young ghost… I saw the likely lad.

The greatest rumour of the year must be the one where Mika Häkkinen makes his F1 comeback at McLaren in 2007. Some guys here in Finland are going completely nuts, with chocolate and raisins, over this rumour. It was taken up another notch when Häkkinen did some time in the McLaren driving simulator, and then furthered even more when he passed McLaren’s medical examination. Boy, if he gets any testing time, the headlines will be bolder than Bruce Willis and blacker than Michael Jackson - the early edition.

But he will only make a comeback in Utopia, people. I bet my bony butt on it. Alain Prost may have come back at the age of 38, and won the championship in doing so, but herra Häkkinen has languished in no man’s land in DTM for two years, doing nothing but sucking in fifth place. For what it’s worth, I thought he was going to win every damn race in Don’t Tell Mama…

Ok-ok-ok, I give in just a little - my flesh may be weak, but my mind is a damn jellybean. How can I not entertain the thought of him coming back, and finding out he still has the old need for speed!? A Finn in Ferrari, a Finn in Renault, and a Finn in McLaren. Why, we could play “Find Three Finns” all season long! Salivation, salivation, and more salivation.

I was never a huge fan of the man, but Mika Häkkinen was, according to Martin Brundle, the fastest man, like EVERRR, over one lap. And that is why I salivate. And that is why I will apply for citizenship in Utopia.

This weekend, more than ever, there was another goldrush of the Finnish folk going to the other side of the world. There seems to be some sort of a strange magnet in New Zealand that attracts the tribe of the blue and white. I can’t explain this phenomenon in any other way; I mean, it’s like the Finnish flying charter to the Canary Islands in the 1970s… New Zealand? Pschh. It should be New Finland!

First, Bosse Grönholm wins the New Zealand rally, with Mikko Hirvonen coming in second. Thanks to this total Finnish domination, Ford clinches the constructer’s crown for the first time since 1979. Can’t believe it’s been 27 years since the halcyon days of the mighty Escort!

Then, same place, same weekend, but on two wheels, Finland brings home the bacon again, in the 2006 ISDE [I hope - I haven't actually seen the final results yet, but that's how confident I am]. The International Six Days Enduro event is the olympics of enduro, and the flying Finns own it like it was the sauna championships. And Juha Salminen throws water like no one else…

On place, standing in the ever-heavy NZ rain, was my little bro, representing the blue and white spectator. Unbelievably, considering he called the mekka of rally - Finland - home for more than 25 years, this was still his first WRC event ever. I naturally figured he’d be a bit impressed by the speed of the cars, as you usually are when you lose your rally virginity.
“Nah“, he texted me, “I drove the same roads in my Honda Prelude the day before, and I think I was faster.”

It made me smile, because I usually say things like that…

Do you want to know what Jesus really would drive?

A recent study, one claiming to be the most exhaustive ever on motoring environmental impact, has concluded that even most fat SUVs are more eco-friendly than the holy hybrid Toyota Prius - the favorite of well-meaning politicians and moviestars.

See, this two-year research project by CNW Marketing is a TOTAL study, ie “from dust to dust”, and takes into account everything from fuel consumption to factory manufacturing costs, parts, recyclability and durability, plus energy used on every level from beginning to end.

So far, the extent of most politicians’ and moviestars’ eco-thinking has been based on fuel consumption alone, which is why they drive dorky hybrids. This in-depth and extensive study also points out that these doofuses like to smell their own farts… [ok, there is a slight chance the last sentence may be false...]

Anyway, the truth is finally out there, and in here, on untouchable RAFAELPYTON.COM. According to the CNW report, the greenest car on our planet is - tadaaa - the Scion xB! [The Scion xB is a small car made by Toyota for the US market.]
In addition, let me proudly copy and paste the whole Top 10. Smile, because Jesus would drive one of these:

1. Scion xB ($0.48 per mile)
2. Ford Escort (0.57 per mile)
3. Jeep Wrangler ($0.60 per mile) [Imagine that - a 4x4!]
4. Chevrolet Tracker ($0.69 per mile)
5. Toyota Yaris ($0.70 per mile)
6. Saturn Ion ($0.71 per mile)
7. Hyundai Elantra ($0.72 per mile)
8. Dodge Neon ($0.73 per mile)
9. Toyota Corolla ($0.73 per mile)
10. Scion xA ($0.74 per mile

[Observe: Research data is translated into a “dollars per lifetime mile” figure, or the Energy Cost per mile driven].

Yes. That is that. Get one of those if you truly care about the world, but still need a car. For the rest of us, who love cars and who aren’t quite so dull & dreary, there is also hope of getting to heaven, as the Porsche 911 comes in well underneath any hybrid. So does the Dodge Viper, the BMW M3, the Mercedes-Benz CL, and the Range Rover Sport, just to name a few.

As far as the hybrids go, here’s a top 5:

1. Honda Insight ($2.94 per mile)
2. Ford Escape Hybrid ($3.18 per mile)
3. Honda Civic Hybrid ($3.24 per mile)
4. Toyota Prius ($3.25 per mile)
5. Honda Accord Hybrid ($3.30 per mile)

Moreover, this post would not be complete without a whip from the wrong side of the stick. These remorseless bandits, headed by emperor Maybach, are in a rogue league of their own. Still, when you see them, please don’t key them. Settle for showing the driver your tongue, if you feel you have to display contempt. Now, may I present Earth’s 10 least energy efficient vehicles over their lifetime:

1. Maybach by Mercedes-Benz ($11.58 per mile)
2. Volkswagen Phaeton ($11.21 per mile)
3. Rolls-Royce (full line average: $10.66 per mile)
4. Bentley (full line average: $10.56 per mile)
5. Audi Allroad Quattro ($5.59 per mile)
6. Audi A8 ($4.96 per mile)
7. Audi A6 ($4.96 per mile)
8. Lexus LS430 ($4.73 per mile)
9. Porsche Carrera GT ($4.53 per mile)
10. Honda NSX ($4.45 per mile)

Thus, you have been enlightened and illuminated.

If you remember, last spring I deeply despaired over not having seen Fellini’s La Dolce Vita. Well, a week after having troubled you with this information, a big package plopped down in my mailbox, and when I hungrily tore off the paper, it revealed a fabulous special edition La Dolce Vita DVD-box set. Half a year later, I watched the movie for the first time…

Yes, I watched it yesterday. Can you believe I tormented myself for half a year before I found the perfect evening for this film? I carried this film with me to my summer palace in Nagu, and it sat on the tv-table all summer long. Anita Ekberg, wet from the fountains of Trevi, gave me the eye the whole time.
But, no, I resisted her. I argued with myself that it had to be a special night… and I also came to realize that I wanted to watch it on a big screen TV, to better be able to taste the juices of Fellini’s visions.

So, come yesterday, it finally felt right. I uncorked a smashing Tommasi [Italian red, 2003 Viticoltori], and sat down, alone with my anticipations, alone with Anita. This red wine was as succulent as sucking on a Anita’s teats: full-bodied, rather tannic, a deep bouquet of earthly flavours, fruity blackberries, mouth glowing from the long and tall aftertaste.
[Even so, I could identify two negative aspects: tiny bit of oak, which I, unlike many, don't like at all, and wasn't there a little acidity shining through, dare I say - because I like to chew and gurlge like an idiot, and keep it in my mouth for long periods of time.]

And there was a film. From the first shot of a helicopter carrying a statue of Jesus, to the end of a party at the beach, there was style and beauty to the limit, shot like only Fellini can. This is my Italy, how I always like to see it: gorgeous, but half-chaotic.

Allow me to produce a metaphor:

Italy to me is a very beautiful woman, strictly catholic but half-drunk and half-dressed, revving a Vespa, while simultaneaously flirting and throwing insults.

Oh, Roman high society, as wacky as it is desirable, and partly thanks to the figure of Marcello Mastroianni, in a slim suit and dark glasses - well hell, even a straight feller like me falls in love. Speaking of love, though, I reserved it for two particular ladies. One of them is Anouk Aimée, who certainly deserves her surname. The other is the white-fleshed Anita Ekberg, who fills a black dress like OH OH OH I don’t know who! Yikes! Crikey! Gosh! Golly! And all that and those.

Despite this overwhelming surface, there is a great deal of substance to La Dolce Vita. I will, however, leave this delight for you to discover, if you haven’t seen it yet. It is worth the effort, though. Snuggle up with someone you love, and pour up a few glasses of Tommasi. You can’t go wrong.

In conclusion, a little cream for your eyes: ANITA EKBERG HOLDING A LITTLE WHITE KITTEN.

I’ve just been reduced to pudding.

I am one of the very few who actually like(d) Coca-Cola Light - or “diet coke”, as it is called in people language. Now, however, I have moved on to grander pastures, and found a new killer winner in: Coca-Cola ZERO!!! Mmmm. Bubbly and tasty, and with almost NO CALORIES! Have you tried the new negro champagne yet? Give it a go, guys, and watch your waist vanish. You’ll never again have to go back to spandex…

I’ve seen the light, and it’s black.

[This must be my best post yet... cha cha cha & wooo ha ha ha! Unfortunately, the Coca-Cola Corporation is not paying me a cent for plugging their latest and greatest product like this.]

The buck stops right here, at this very dot. Once and for one hundred percent of all, you are able to determine if your taste is excellent or excruciating. Amazing, you say? Yes, it is. Hereby, I officially offer you the unbelievable opportunity of making your life BETTER. Grab it with both hands, and at least one foot! Raise yourself to loftier standards, join the impossibly elite; become a snob.

There are three unbreakable pillars that form the world we live in. These socratic pillars are the foundation of a wondrous organ I like to call culture - possibly my most favorite word at the moment. [Yes yes, I insist: most favorite.]
Now, you may have five fingers on your one hand; stick up three of them. The thumb: pillar of music. The index finger: pillar of movies. The finger you use to display vulgar contempt: pillar of books.

Uptil now, it was a futile battle, a random shooting, a lost cause. No more! We have wasted enough time on the shoddy and half-baked, I say. Under the column of PAGES [twitch your neck a couple of degrees to the right], you will find three new parts - THE BIG LISTS. Oh, big indeed. Huge, even. Universe-sized, perhaps?
I have worked studiously to bring them to you. Everything that is everything is in these professional lists. Use them wisely, and you will never again be left wanting.

Frames have been built. References have been established. You, kings and queens, have now been given the holy grail on a silver platter.

[Disclaimer: Taste is a non-measurable quantity; a free spirit. Let no one tell you what is hot or not; make up your own mind.]