The modern hippies are here. Earlier this week, a sordid group of dopes calling themselves the injuns of asphalt – or something – prowled the dark streets of Turku, emptying the tires of SUVs and leaving notes under the windscreen wipers with the message “your SUV kills” and “don’t take it personally – it’s your car we don’t like“.
The crazy hippies have already run rampant in Sweden and Germany, where victims of deflation amount to thousands. Khi khi… ‘victims of deflation’… sorry, you caught me giggling at my own joke.
Anyhow, this new-fangled semi-idea strikes me as yet another let’s-free-some-minks-although-they-will-die. Obviously, the owners of these not-quite-all-terrain vehicles are usually left with no choice but to call a tow truck, which easily burps out a lot more of that fantastically nasty CO2 than what would have been the case had the car been unmolested in the first place. And so on.
The police, bless their ever-endearing disability to catch real criminals, are once again helpless. It seems the only gun they can handle is the radar gun… ok, unnecessary sarcasm towards our useless pigs in blue. And again. But yes, as long as the hippies do not harm the big bad SUV, they can not really be fined in the way they, well, some say, ought to be.
Certainly, Chelsea tractors are usually rather pointless. I’d much rather have something a lot faster and lower, mayhaps in red. However, for those who intend to crash, you might still want one. Occasionally, I even find myself lusting after a Mercedes-Benz GelÃ¤ndewagen 55 AMG, a pretty cool tank to run down hippies on bicycles. 378 grams of CO2 every lovely kilometer – why, you can just feel the climate getting hotter in it. But why should you care – it’s got air conditioning, duh. I’ll take this one in black, please. Better make those windows tinted too, so you can laugh at other people’s loath in privacy.
Somehow, despite regulations for everything, I’d like to think that we can still choose a little. I’d like to think that we can still live a little. I’d like to think that we can still do something outside the god damn Book On Politically Correct Victorian Behavior Of The 21st Century.
But don’t get me started on bottled water sold where there is tap water… that makes me fucking furious. Pick me up in your camper van. Let’s go unscrew some corks.