the preview

Waiting for the primer to dry – this week’s project: laying big beautiful tiles of Italian stone on the floor in the entrance hall – I thought I’d use the two hours afforded to me for the preview. You know, THE preview.

Right from the bat, at full chat, make no mistake, two-ou-ou-eight will light up the very night. Should you not be of the Finnish persuasion, however, you are in for a such a freezing cold shower it will make your little wiener fall off and slip through the drainhole…

2008, in order of champ to chump to chimpanzee:

FERRARI;

Kimi Räikkönen: The Chosen One. The Racer XY. Kimi Kong. The quintessence of Finland shall win every round of 2008, soiling the record book with crimson.

Felipe Massa: Fast, but frail. The little Brazilian is fourth in 2008. Watch out for him in qualifying, though. He’s got quick feet and sweet fingers.

McLAREN;

Lewis Hamilton: The black boy you want to marry is in for shock therapy. Not only will Kimi Kong crush him, he will also get beaten by his own team-mate. His hopes rest on the [considerable] plotting & scheming abilities of McLaren.

Heikki Kovalainen: A breakthrough year in store for another of Finland’s finest. We will finally get an idea of his speed – and few will know what hit them. As the year wears down, he will eventually get the edge over Hamilton.

RENAULT;

Fernando Alonso: Sure, the Spaniard’s good – good enough to raise Renault past BMW. But will that be enough for him? Stereotypically, Latin men do not handle defeat very well. Embarrassing tantrums are to be expected amidst some impressive performances.

Nelson Piquet Jr: He’s got the name. But it’s wrapped around a snack for Alonso.

WILLIAMS;

Nico Rosberg: Ha. I almost wrote Nico ‘Rosebud‘. It might be a sign? Is he the plot device of 2008? It seems as though Williams have been hauling butt in pre-season testing. I’ll go out on a thin limb and predict a return to form for the great English team. With Nice Nico, the three-pronged attack of Finland is complete. What a formidable fork to stick in the pork!

Kazuki Nakajima: Like Rubens Barrichello to Michael Schumacher, Kazuki can not touch Nico.

BMW;

Nick Heidfeld: Sometimes fast. Sadly, Nick is the HH Frentzen of F1 – infinite potential, invisible impact. His case is not helped by BMW, struggling slightly this year.

Robert Kubica: A Pole in a car instead of on a horse still amazes me. Once you get over that slur, know that Kubica has dazzling talent, will pip Quick Nick and emerge as top propeller in the stable.

RED BULL;

Mark Webber: I like to drink Red Bull. They are a great sponsor of all things wacky. They won’t crack F1, though, not even with another car designed by Adrian Newey – is he worth the money? Worse yet, unless this year proves me wrong, I will soon reach the conclusion that Mark is slightly overrated.

David Coulthard: According to an article I just read, the Scotsman has the smallest butt in F1. Perhaps he’s been sitting in that tiny cockpit for too long? David is a nice guy – would it be too cruel to suggest retirement? Nah, not when you’re living large and screwing hot models in Monaco.

TORO ROSSO;

Sebastian Vettel: Many, including me, were expecting more out of Vettel last season. As a test driver for BMW, he had sensational speed, and it scared me to think the new Schuey had arrived all too soon. In any case, I still expect a lot from this guy. Germany’s fastest, I reckon – Red Bull, beware – the junior team and Vettel should be able to throw in a surprise or three in 2008. Stick your ‘One To Watch‘ sticker here.

Sebastien Bourdais: The other Seb will struggle. It’s a gutsy move to abandon Champ Car success for a crack at the mid-pack over here, but history is harsh – all too often the Indy guys are sent back, broken. F1 needs a Frenchman, but will this Frenchman want to stay in F1 after 2008? Odds go no.

TOYOTA;

Jarno Trulli: First of all, Toyota would do better to return to WRC. Second, can we agree that it’s high time for Trulli to kill or get killed? If you’re supposed to be this fast, you better produce results too – and not just in qualifying.

Timo Glock: Will he be able to match Trulli’s one-lap bursts? Maybe not, but I suspect Timo is a real racer. This ought to be interesting, was it not for the fact that Toyota has only been able to produce boredom since they entered F1.

HONDA;

Jenson Button: Well, at least Toyota will outperform Honda. This legendary company is fast loosing its reputation they built over the years. I rode Honda motocross bikes for most of my career because they were incredibly reliable and fast. Their F1 cars are the exact opposite of reliable and fast. Ross Brawn must like challenges… Poor Jenson. There is nothing worse for a man than to realize he is squandering his talent while life is passing by.

Rubens Barrichello: Honda not only manages to build hopeless cars, they also make hopeless driver choices. In short, they suck on all accounts. 2008, Rubens will become the most experienced driver of all time. Personally, I’d prefer he got fired, so Ricardo Patrese could hold on to his well-deserved 256GP record.

FORCE INDIA;

Giancarlo Fisichella: Frankly, Force India can beat Honda. Fisico’s star is waning, but I’d like nothing more than to see the Italian extract a few more good races before taking the road that leads to Rome.

Adrian Sutil: A capable driver, yet probably not quite capable enough.

SUPER AGURI;

Takuma Sato: Entertaining. I hope Super Aguri has the funds to keep the team running.

Anthony Davidson: Well, I always had a soft spot for the underdog.

143 thoughts on “the preview”

  1. What the heck has happened to Toro Rosso? I demand correction!!! Bourdais and Vettel, surely the surprise package of the season, no less!

    [Oh, and is it just me, or did you just copy and paste your Heidfeld prediction from last year? And weren’t you proven wrong then? Hmhmhmhm… don’t let your Suomi swagger carry you away…]

  2. Oh crap, was in such a haste I forgot Toro Rosso…

    No, it’s not just you – I was ahead of my time last year, but I will be right about Heidfeld this year! I think Kubica can take him in 2008, just you wait and see, my good man, just you wait and see.

  3. Ah ja, I’ll be waiting… it seems to me after the perfect bliss that was 2007 with both of us wanting Kimi to beat the dark forces (you, admittedly, more than anyone on this planet, I dare to say) there may be some controversy ahead for 2008. Of course, I pledge myself to the Scuderia for another year and I will be perfectly happy with the Numero Uno becoming double champ, Mika-style, but after your prediction, I have more than just one brow raised (well, not many more)…

    Nick will win his first GP in 2008!

    Hah, now it’s out of the bag. My dark desires no longer hidden from the world, Freude am Fahren + Quick Nick + evil geek Doktor Mario Theissen vill rule ze vorld. (Demonic laughter)… with another 30th birthday amongst my hometown crew coming up this Saturday, I may be in perfect shape for the lights of Melbourne! Bring it on, I say!

  4. Maybe you’re right. Maybe 2008 won’t be like 2007… but only because it will be even better!!! Wooooooooooooooooooo!!!

    Wild and crazy, totally loco – but I like reading your mind and knowing your secrets. Sadly, Q-Nick will never win anything in F1. The ultimate driving machine looks to be weaker than last year… he can consider himself happy if he manages a fifth as best position in a race this year… ouch!!!

    Party on, Wayne! I bet you’re lights won’t be shining come Sunday morning, though… hahah… I’ll make sure to wake you up with jubilant text messages on Kimi Kong’s victory-to-be-confirmed!

  5. Oh yes, felt good! One of the many highlights last year. Love the Jap commentary! The Spanish guys refuse to believe it, even as it happens, it seems… haha! Sato & Aguri belong in F1, no doubt about it.

    Man, I can hardly wait for the season to start… getting so fired up reading reviews, previews, and bullshit views. Everyone is talking about Hamilton – he’s the cover boy on GQ, for example, interviewed by Naomi Campbell, hanging out with Pharrell Williams, doing all sorts of celebrity runs.
    Lord, I want him to eat dust so badly!!! Sure, he’s a lovely feller, ultra-talented, charming, humble even, but please, please, please – he’s hogging all the limelight like he is the champion of the universe. Can we step outside and take it to the racetrack now! No more schmoozing, let the driving begin, dammit!
    [Only the Finnish papers seem to be interested in Kimi… business as usual, obviously – he doesn’t schmooze..]

  6. You’re oh so right [as if you wouldn’t know it]. It might console you, however, that four out of five former greats predicted Kimi as champion once again in Bild-Zeitung today: Schumi unsurprisingly, Keke [who announced his son to be the best racer], Damon Hill [more surprinsingly] and Niki the rat. Only Mika seems to not only have lost Erja, but also his head, predicting Hamilton to go all the way. Howwhenwhywhat, as the Pet Shop Boys ask, is he worried about losiing his spot as the greatest of all time in the Finland station?

  7. Woke up at 5am to watch the qualifying only to have Kimi’s Ferrari come undone due to fuel pressure trouble and I got that cold kinda feeling down the spine that reminded me of how many championships Kimi has lost due to mechanical failure…
    In the meanwhile, the Macs are flying – luckily, there is a Finn there as well, so the bases are pretty much covered. In any case, I’ll wake up tomorrow at 5am too – qualifying gave little clue to the speed of Ferrari [Massa sucked], but I hope there is a scarlet machine tearing through the pack from 16th place on the grid. Here’s to a good start – no traction control this year, so stuff or stuffed will happen.

    Did you see Kubica going sideways outside of the kerb? Wahey! The Pole was heading for pole on that lap, although second was least as impressive considering the time he lost while doing a Markku Alén. Seems that the BMW squad has fooled me phenomenally – they are on fire. The evil geek doctor is doing something right… [or maybe they’re running light?]

    Ja, to be expected. Traitor Häkkinen is a corporate man with a silver-colored soul. That’s what happens when you drive for McLaren for too long – I’m glad Kimi got out while there still was time!
    Erja-less, he ought to be happier, though. She was ugly, man. Hideous. Hawk-like. Harsh. Like she’d hurt you in bed. Like she’d use words such as “condone” and “disagree” and “no”.
    Few F1 men have had uglier wives… come to think of it, Schu’s broad is not exactly a looker. Damon Hill’s wife look 20 years older than him. Or was that Nigel’s wife? Ah well, matters of the heart. Should you want an ugly maid when you’re in the fast lane with millions overflowing your pockets and with the pick of any of the lovely ladies holding the cigarette-sponsored umbrellas, well, be my guest – just don’t expect me to want to understand. Haha. DC or Jean Alesi wouldn’t, either.

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