barcelooona, sang fat lady montserrat caballe

Ah, as I write with five fingers, the other hand is busy tucking into a greasy meal of ketchup-dripping fries and wonderfully tasteless Popsi sausages. Oh, the giddy joy of restoring half to half-life!
[The reason for this crap-fest is that we were watching too many Whitesnake videos with the boys yesterday – several bottles of delicious sekt were consumed with complete disdain for the day that would soon come to be known as today… and to the unasked question of how high can David Coverdale go, the answer is, a lot higher than any of us last night.]

But Barcelooona? Yes, I will take you there, deeply into the tire-wall, without the complimentary neck-braces other publications offer. Speaking of which, did you see the hole Heikki Kovalainen busted in one of them tire-walls? That was one heavy badabing badaBOINK. Amidst first reactions, I nearly snapped my own monocoque in half. Haha. Great word. But not as great as cockpit, of course. Cockpit is the undisputed heavy-length champion of double entendres with penile hint. I hear if you say it ten times in a row, you turn gay.

I just noticed I’m really really funny. These fries are delicious, too.

Yes, the race, sorry. And so the saying goes that the rain in Spain falls mainly on… Kimi Räikkönen’s competitors. Domination is not only Max Mosley’s game. Haha. Certainly, I see little reason why the Iceman would not win all remaining races this season. In fact, I encourage the rest of the drivers to give up immediately. You have no hope and need to go home. Close shop. Draw blinds. Cry. The number one Ferrari is guided by divine forces, and there is simply nothing you can do about it.

How I love it when things go my way. I also love these fries. Just a few left, a little charred around the edges, the salt particles clearly visible. But let’s not paint a picture when you can take a photograph. [And that is what I call making up metaphors as you go along…]

This time, I will focus on the guys who make up the rear end of the field. Practically, that is everyone else… but technically, kindly allow me to shine a light on fellers Fisichella and Bourdais. First of all, I laugh every time the classification strip runs along on the bottom of the screen – shortened to the first three letters of the surname – and Fisichella comes by as FIS. You see, fis means fart in Swedish.
Hilarious, I know. Seriously, though, Fisichella is actually blooming at the twilight of his career, doing fine driving the dog called Force India. In the past, I have slagged off the Italian a great number of times, yet here he still is, comprehensively outpacing rated teammate Adrian Sutil. To be frank, Fisico has destroyed Adrian’s career. No one will want him now. Not even Rocky… haha! Geddit? Geddit?

Seb Bourdais, sole frog of F1, is also driving like a man; ruthlessly fast and unsafe. I thought the super-talented teammate Vettel would make mincemeat pies out of the Frenchman, but none of it. Yet again he soundly out-gunned the German, making him look more Fettel than Vettel – haha – and making me draw excellent conclusions such as this one: maybe Ferrari ought to be in touch with Bourdais instead? You heard it here first. If and when Massa gets the boot, the Frenchman would be a lovely number two at the red Scuderia. Frenchmen always look good in Ferraris. Recall, if you can, Jean Alesi, for instance. Heck, even Alain Prost seemed sexy while at Ferrari – and I bet he never got laid when he drove for McLaren…

This blog would not be complete without bashing Nick Heidfeld in cowardly fashion. Have you all noticed that Robert Kubica seems to have gained definite control of the situation? Well, I sure have. I also noted that Heidfeld had all the trouble in the world getting past the Force India of Fisico today… and Fisichella used to be known as the easiest driver to pass in F1.
Thus, I will suggest evil geek Theissen and crew at BMW kick quick Nick – haha – in the bottom, and replace him with Estonian Marko Asmer, currently test driver at BMW. If anything, then I might be able to persuade my girlfriend – also Estonian, and proud of it – to watch F1 with me. Well, tall order, still.

The TV dinner was known as the way of the future in the 1950s. Of course, most everything was known as the way of the future in the 1950s, but I’d have to agree – TV dinners, or the more advanced version known as computer dinners, really are the future, still, as is the case here-now, forever on the brink of future. But the future is not all good, because I just spilled ketchup on the keyboard, and there are no more succulent fries left to wipe it up with. Damn. Those were good fries. I shall miss them fondly. Less than 6% fat, too. Quite remarkable. Honk if you like junk food. Honk honk. It must be the way it nestles in the tummy like a brick of mortar and Pepsi Max.

Rub it in. Or put lotion on it. But there runs that classification strip again: 1. RAI.

Rai, Rai, Rai. It’s all Rai.

18 thoughts on “barcelooona, sang fat lady montserrat caballe”

  1. Hohohoo! Oooooh, better make that a kebab WITH fries, please… my mouth is running a river and the tongue is fighting to stay afloat! Help, help, blub!

    Hey, remember those late-night kebabs we used to have in the hippest of East London? Aaaaaah! I’d kill a small country for one right now!

    Chwb, you say? I shall call you Chewbacca. And you shall answer my calls with Chewbacca sounds.

  2. ooooouuuuuuuahhhhi. Seriously, though: Where, when and how did Fat Knob and his prodigy exactly fathom that they had the Ferraris’ speed?

    Risible.

    I’ve hardly ever seen a more relaxed winner on the pod and in the press conference. Eine Mütze sagt alles, and you may very well be right – 14 GPs left standing and zip competitors. Ferraris will win at least ten of those, Kimi at least another six.

    And as far as Heidfeld goes – he was 2nd before this race, had a horrid qualifying and tough luck with Heikki’s crash. Remember those bouncers at the Stockholm boat club that one time? Quote big bouncer: Life’s a bitch sometimes, as they say. Unquote. Couldn’t agree more. Kubica, who by your standards is that much better, has collected a mighty three points more than Heidfeld. Not that impressive a lead, if you ask me.

  3. Turkey [like Bahrain] is a Massa track – if Kimi can take him there, this might just turn out to be the loveliest cakewalk since the moonwalk. Or something. Right now everything is going my way, and I can only imagine you felt the same back when Schu killed everyone in sight. Sure is nice. Sure is nice.

    Granted, my ‘kick quick Nick’ campaign is not completely fair. Somehow, it just seems as though Nick gets in these strange situations rather often. He does deserve a break. I’m beginning to think that he’s got a case of the bad luck… maybe that’s where it’s gone. Because both Finns got lucky on Sunday. Kovy is lucky to be alive, and Kimi is simply sucking out the spirit of everyone else.

    Kubica is better than Heidfeld, though. I do think we have yet to see the best of the Polish Prost. So many of the current new generation of drivers who grew up racing Kubica in the lower ranks hold him in very high regard. Particularly Hamilton, I happen to know.

    [Yeah, I have a vague memory of us getting kicked off the boat in Stockholm because your girlfriend was too young? Well, we were suitably lubricated by King Vodka, too, but I don’t think that had anything to do with it…]

  4. Absolut-

    ely not. Indeed, because Janina was not 25 yet. Oh well, I vaguely recall Bern’s making up for it. Ach, Stockholm, I could do with a night out there again.

    I’m very curious how things will evolve over the next few races. Because if Renault can get in some more qualifying stints like Alonso’s the other day, they’ll cause mayhem in the races with that slow brick of a car. I can very clearly see Hamilton crashing into one in my crystal ball next to the screen…

    And as far as Kubica goes – we’ll see. He might have gained the edge already, he may gainit soon. Or Heidfeld will regain control. I think it very much depends on who grabs the first win for the beamers. Chances are, I have to admit, it’ll be the kubicle, as he has outqualified beardy Nick 4 out of 4 so far.

    Could be that they’ll have to wait another season, though.

  5. Renault has made considerable improvement, seeing as Alonso was not nearly as light as everyone thought after qualifying. I won’t admit I was impressed, of course… this is Alonso we’re talking about, after all.
    But, the more in the mix, the merrier. No one can catch the Iceman, anyway. Rai rai rai.

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