Hello Europe! What the fuck is in your pipe!?
I have great taste. You have too, according to your own humble estimates. But after last night, I have reason to believe that a large portion of the European people have cheated on their taste exams. Well, it’s either that, or Russia just spent a serious amount of cash buying a continent.
Taste? I watch schlager on television! Of course, I only do it to be able to relate to the European experience – you have to admit, this is the closest we get to union and identity. [Ah, nothing like a swift and deft explanation to sweep your own short-comings under the rug…]
Hmm. But at least there are always some lovely ladies in semi-lingerie to undress with your eyes. Sometimes, you don’t even need to go to all that trouble, like with the Polish broad. Shit, a sexist remark! How uncouth. I’ll try to improve – I want to insult every single European country equally.
In any case, my dog could have written a better song than Russia’s bid – and I don’t even have a dog, which is telling something quite a lot. Frankly, the dog that I don’t have could have written better songs than 95% of the performed material. Actually, the dog that I don’t have really did write the Spanish song. Doggy style, he sang, in case you missed.
Even though the 2008 edition of Eurovision was the worst ever – like every year – I found the grace deep within to have two faves. Bosnia-Herzegovina was one. The mime and clown routine was anti-good, but when the retard started singing instead of smiling, there was melody resembling the cousin of cool in there.
France was my first favorite. The bearded ladies made me smile, and the guy in the golf-cart reminded me of Vanessa Paradis, except tall, ugly and male. No no no no no, he sang. Yes, I went. Sadly, everyone hates the French, so they will never get any points whatsoever from anyone whatsoever.
Finland tried to do a Lordi again. It goes to show the lack of imagination this country suffers from. These days, there is one single person left in Finland who does not listen to low-budget heavy, and that is me.
Admittedly, MissÃ¤ Miehet Ratsastaa deserved a better fate, because it was rather resolutely better than most of the rest of the gay Eurotrash on offer. I guess the world is not quite ready for the genre of gay heavy yet… yes?
Poor Sweden. They take this competition so seriously. But may I suggest they stop sending the same song every year.
Before I go and say something nice, let’s discuss the voting system. Hahaha. Good one. Well, there is certainly a system in place. I mean, there is a rather discernible pattern going on there, and I might not be the only one to notice it. Hahaha.
Shrug. If people are so fucking daft they vote for their neighbor no matter what, then by all means. The song-writing dog that I don’t have will have plenty of good business in the future, too.
Goodnight, Europe. Put the bong down now, though. It’s time to represent civilization again.