eurovision bong contest

Hello Europe! What the fuck is in your pipe!?

I have great taste. You have too, according to your own humble estimates. But after last night, I have reason to believe that a large portion of the European people have cheated on their taste exams. Well, it’s either that, or Russia just spent a serious amount of cash buying a continent.

Taste? I watch schlager on television! Of course, I only do it to be able to relate to the European experience – you have to admit, this is the closest we get to union and identity. [Ah, nothing like a swift and deft explanation to sweep your own short-comings under the rug…]
Hmm. But at least there are always some lovely ladies in semi-lingerie to undress with your eyes. Sometimes, you don’t even need to go to all that trouble, like with the Polish broad. Shit, a sexist remark! How uncouth. I’ll try to improve – I want to insult every single European country equally.

In any case, my dog could have written a better song than Russia’s bid – and I don’t even have a dog, which is telling something quite a lot. Frankly, the dog that I don’t have could have written better songs than 95% of the performed material. Actually, the dog that I don’t have really did write the Spanish song. Doggy style, he sang, in case you missed.

Even though the 2008 edition of Eurovision was the worst ever – like every year – I found the grace deep within to have two faves. Bosnia-Herzegovina was one. The mime and clown routine was anti-good, but when the retard started singing instead of smiling, there was melody resembling the cousin of cool in there.

France was my first favorite. The bearded ladies made me smile, and the guy in the golf-cart reminded me of Vanessa Paradis, except tall, ugly and male. No no no no no, he sang. Yes, I went. Sadly, everyone hates the French, so they will never get any points whatsoever from anyone whatsoever.

Finland tried to do a Lordi again. It goes to show the lack of imagination this country suffers from. These days, there is one single person left in Finland who does not listen to low-budget heavy, and that is me.
Admittedly, Missä Miehet Ratsastaa deserved a better fate, because it was rather resolutely better than most of the rest of the gay Eurotrash on offer. I guess the world is not quite ready for the genre of gay heavy yet… yes?

Poor Sweden. They take this competition so seriously. But may I suggest they stop sending the same song every year.

Before I go and say something nice, let’s discuss the voting system. Hahaha. Good one. Well, there is certainly a system in place. I mean, there is a rather discernible pattern going on there, and I might not be the only one to notice it. Hahaha.
Shrug. If people are so fucking daft they vote for their neighbor no matter what, then by all means. The song-writing dog that I don’t have will have plenty of good business in the future, too.

Goodnight, Europe. Put the bong down now, though. It’s time to represent civilization again.

353 thoughts on “eurovision bong contest”

  1. Gasp! You learn a lot by reading the morning paper – I just found out that the cool French song was sung by Sebastien Tellier. Now I am really flying into a fury!

    If my lousy memory serves me correctly, my girlfriend might already have told me that monsieur Tellier was in Eurovision, but it is never too late to remember. Well, no wonder that song was good.

    In any case, Sebastien Tellier is a great artist. I even have a couple of his albums [the song in question, Divine, is on his latest, Sexuality]. You certainly can’t say that about Eurovision artists, normally… and to have him finish down low by countries such as my own is a complete and utter daylight robbery!!!

    Wankers! Imbeciles and idiots! Morons! Mongoloids! Europe is full of dumbasses, dimwits, and dullards. I hereby give up on the old continent. Take me to America, please. They may invade other countries at will, but they also produced the fantastic Waylon Jennings. And that is easily enough to me. Goodbye.

    [I am also taking the song-writing dog that I don’t have with me.]

  2. What happened to that girl from the eniarkU, or Ukraine, that spelled her name backwards? No mean feat, compared to what was on offer from most countries. She was predicted to beat the competition hands (and clothes) down, but along come the Russians and take it away… I see political implications, doesn’t anyone else?

    Somebody must take care of this matter, while over here, we do have to sort something out. Namely, why we, as in das Land von Goethe und Schiller, still produce our connotation of pop music. No Angels, no points. Says it all. Although the English already said it better, just about thirty years ago: No future.

  3. Ukraine was not completely awful, merely really really bad. I have no idea why it did not succeed against the… well, let’s call it “competition”, for the sake of European peace. The woman was reasonably slutty, too. Well, perhaps Putin threatened to nuke their neighbors… was that the case, he must be a major Dima Bilan fan.

    Hey, the German song was also not completely awful. But the chicks had really huge thighs… [I have no idea why I notice those sort of things.]

  4. Hei, hei it’s your girlfriend here!
    We were absolutely sure that Putin sent his henchmen all around “Europe” to make the calls or it could be that you need only three guys with ponytales and glasses sitting behind computer. By the way, Ukrainas song was also written by really, really popular russian singer and song writer(No good). Means that first and second place both went to Russia. There you are, I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the case :))))

    My favorite was of course France and I also liked Israel (am I brave to admit?) Ohhhh, he could sing….

  5. Hello lovely! That does seem like the most plausible answer – the correct votes were obviously highjacked in cyberspace… yes, it all makes sense now! And sense means truth, case presented and presided, bang bang, there you are folks, we have been swindled! I demand a recount! A rematch! A return to innocence!

    Israel? Yes, I know what you mean, strangely beautiful voice – although he sounded a bit too much like a eunuch for my tastes.

  6. Aha, so places numero uno e due go to Rossija. On the busject (typo, that, but I quite like it) of big thighs on the German team – you probably do know that we only got 12 points from the lovely people of Bulgaria because one of them ladies actually hails from Sofia or thereabouts. Otherwise, we would have been all on our own in last place. And on the thigh busject, one of them is openly gay, or lesbian, which would be not much to mention, were it not for her highly publicised love affair with an “actress” who starred in a daily soap. Erm, now that I think about it, your respective commentators probably said all that, right!? Anyway, I think it was the red haired girl. Ok.

  7. No-no, there was no such info to get from the commentators of this heavy-infested clad-in-black nation of long-haired dorks. I am grateful for your input in the lesbian matter of the German thighs from Bulgaria. My life was not complete until now. It is indeed a marvellous busject. Hmm. I tried it out, but to me, it only sounds like a really fast jet-engined bus… probably driven by Otto the busdriver, I take it.

  8. Come to think of it, busject also sounds like a bus with ejector seats… quite the thing to get the kids off it… or something for Bond, perhaps? He could take on 25 villains in one go, man!

Comments are closed.