It was still summer when I last watched a whole Grand Prix. Since then, I’ve been in continuous negotiation with Father Time, but he drives a really hard bargain, and I’ve had to pay and pay.
Anyway, my withdrawal coincided with the inexplicable slump of Kimi RÃ¤ikkÃ¶nen, and suffering was as such minimized. Still, to go from hero to zero like Kimi did will certainly always remain a subject rife for conspiracy theories. I will offer mine here: it’s the car, stupid.
Ah, but shrug. It was the greatest season that never was. And what happened to Heikki Kovalainen? Well, it’s still the car, stupid. Both teams in question play favorites, and neither happen to play my way. Finland has played second fiddle for most of the season, and I for one hate that instrument. Have you ever heard a second fiddle? It is the most pathetic, apologetic, and phlegmatic sound you can imagine. Tui tui tui.
Never mind the fiddle; it is time to blow the trombone. So, bronze goes to Kimi. Bronze is the color of polished crap, no need to dwell. Silver, then. And that goes to… it is raining in Interlagos, again… oh my GAWD! Ohmigawd! Oh-My-Gawd! I started writing before the race was over, and that is a surefire way to create excitement. Excitement? Shit, I nearly swallowed my tongue!!! Glbubb!!!
Silver went to Lewis Hamilton. For two seconds. Before he got luckier than no man ever, and somehow managed to save his ass in the last turn by doing nothing of value except getting lucky. Can you believe that the whole championship came down to the last turn in the last Grand Prix of the season? Who let Stallone write the script?
The real silver goes to Felipe Massa. He did celebrate gold for two seconds, which must have felt pretty wonderful while it lasted. From the highest high to the lowest low, “jabadabadooooo… ooooooh noooooooo!” In Portuguese, of course.
Timo Glock, Timo Timo Glock, letting Hamilton get by to fifth in the last turn. You didn’t have to, Timo? Certainly you didn’t have to slow down that much? Suspicious minds… I can’t help but wonder if McLaren managed to get radio contact with Timo… if they did, what do you think they said to him? “Timo, ten million dollars if you go wide. Do it. Now!”
Fine. I’m not taking it particularly hard. When you want neither contender to win, and one of them has to win, it is more a case of whatever than absolutely. Besides, I prefer Toro Rosso. I will probably regret this someday, but to me, Sebastian Vettel is the true champ of 2008.
The year is over. Go home. Get out of here. What are you still waiting for? Clearly, the luckiest man in the world won. You want to argue about luck with me? You really want to do that? Ok. I’ll prove to you that Lewis Hamilton is way luckier than anyone else: Pussycat Dolls’ Nicole Scherzinger.
I rest my case.