take a hike

You all know how fond I am of walking, right? Like every step is akin to getting cut with a rusty blade, yeah? So for our next trick, we went for a massive hike out to Hanakapiai beach far faraway from any sort of civilization, even the lost ones.

Well, what do you do? In the name of fuck-if-I-should-miss-out-on-any-sensational-sights, you sacrifice your wellbeing. Decked out in my Aircast ankle braces and my spiffy new Hugo Boss sports jacket, we started climbing the mountains. Suitably steep, suitably rough. Slip on a wet rock, and tumble to your death way down below. But oh lord, the view from above was sueeet.


Obviously, it started raining. A lot. We got jungle wet. And so did the red earth, quickly turning into the slipperiest slopes since the dawn of silicone spray. You can imagine the unhappy state of my Fred Perrys… this stuff does not come off very easily. People were falling like dominoes – most everyone had a big red butt or thigh or even a full facial. By the power of some strange god, I actually managed to keep the bold side up. Hell, I was wearing Hugo, and I had decided not to fall! Not a spot on it!

It actually rained so much that crazy rivers were formed. Eventually, just before the elusive beach, we came upon one that almost stopped us.

Nah… screw that. I always liked a wet crotch. Besides, what do we have to lose other than life and camera and car keys? Full steam ahead!


Wooee, we reached the hidden cove! High fives and sandwiches with Taro hummus all around!


Of course, when the excitment finally clears, you realize that you are only halfway. You have to walk back the very same devil’s rut you fought on the way here. I have to admit, I nearly broke down. There were times when I was sure one of the feet had come off completely – or the very least, facing backwards. Man, that hurts like nothing you could imagine.

If you gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough, Roger Alan sings. Can’t argue. But I went there, I saw it all, and I came back. To me, I conquered as big as Gaius Julius Ceasar ever did.

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