dakar down

By now, instead of watching the wonderful desert stages on Eurosport, you will have gone through the stages of grief and sorrow – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Yes, Dakar 2008 was cancelled due to, what else, terrorists. I for one will never get out of stage no. 2 – FURIOUS ANGER at some indubitably dumb fucks with guns who spread fear for what can be NO good reason what-so-fucking-ever.

I grew up watching the Dakar, cultivating foolish dreams of sometimes getting stuck in a Mauretanian sand-dune myself. If there is something I HATE with particular passion, it is being forced to give up on childhood dreams, no matter how zany they may seem to others – or myself.

dakar.jpg

At any rate, at the peak of my motorcycle prowess, it was only the cost – a hundred grand – that kept me away, that kept me from ripping up the desert and wheelying down that final beach in Senegal. [I dare you not to believe me!]

Where should a man go to prove his worth now? To the kitchen, to see how many hot dogs he can eat in one minute?

Indeed, the cancellation of Dakar 2008 may prove to be the final blow to the survival of the greatest race in the world. Africa is falling – yet again – into the hands of these indubitably dumb fucks with guns, and there seems to be nothing anyone can do about it.
Frankly, I’ve had it with the whole bloody continent. You can only blame history for so long. Indeed, so long, beautiful Africa. There are other deserts calling, you know. The show will go on – although it will never be the same again.

Hope you’re happy now, terrorists. You’ve won a useless continent. Luckily, you can hardly ruin it much more than it already is.

chavéz o’clock

El Presidente of Venezuela, big blabbermouth Hugo Chavéz, has done some good things for the poor in his country. Fantastic. Still, his so-called bolivarian revolution is more anti-USA than pro-socialism, and sometimes it manifests itself in the most acutely funny actions…

True, as in no joke: Venezuela is moving into a timezone of their own come December 9th. The clocks are moved half an hour backwards. President Chavéz has justified this on grounds of, among other things, the current time zone system being an American sanction…

*chair-tipping pants-wetting kill-me laughter*

Politik-Polis says: Once you buy into conspiracy-imperialism, you start seeing ghosts everywhere.

all that is wrong with the world today

Actually, it was in the news yesterday, but I was busy playing the station that comes suffixed with 3. Eventually, my social conscience made me feel guilty, though, and this morning I could no longer ignore the stink of the world. Don your gas-masks or deal with it; I chose to deal with it.

In Sudan… why, when you begin a sentence like that, you just know that nothing good can follow. Really, when was the last time you heard something uplifting about Sudan?
Quite. So, when British teacher Gillian Gibbons lets the 7-year old kids in her class in Khartoum come up with a name for their new teddy-bear, Muhammed won with the vote of 20-3. In case you don’t know, Muhammed is a very common name in the islamic world, and not only you-know-who. In fact, some of the school-kids in same class went by said name.
A cutely innocent event, you’d think. Some parent didn’t, and ratted out the teacher to the Sudanese authorities. It is a crime to mock the prophet in muslim countries, a fact that is lost on no one these days. And even if the hapless teacher to-be-whipped had no intention of doing so, they will punish her nonetheless. Just to be on the safe side, I guess.
They are amazingly eager to perform justice in Sudan, it seems. Apparently their judicial system simply have not had time to bring the Darfur genocide into focus just yet. Well, it’s only one of the largest crimes against humanity ever. The wrong name for a teddy-bear is pretty important too…

In Saudia-Arabia… yeah. A 19-year old woman was jailed to get 200 whips for getting gang-raped. There is something not right with that sentence, don’t you think? But it is correct. She just happened to be in the wrong company at the wrong time; id est, was seen with a man that was not related to her. For good measure, the seven rapists gang-banged her male friend too…
Now, even considering the considerable clash of cultures here, it does not seem appropriate. I am not even questioning islamic law – a pointless task – no, I am questioning the inconsistency of the Saudi-Arabian judicial system. The judges hold all the power, rules on witness remain in shambles, and on far too many occasions attorneys are not even present during the hearing. To finish it off, two judges are highly likely to pass two different judgments on the same crime. But don’t you go dreaming about an overhaul in the nearest 300 centuries. That would be far too optimistic…

In China… cough. They continue to baffle me by killing their own in a black cloud of dust. Did you know that only a hundredth[!] of Chinese city dwellers have clean air? Let me repeat: 1/100 have air of the kind that is safe to draw into your rather precious lungs.
Out of the world’s 30 most polluted cities in the world, 20 are in China. People are dropping like flies; due to pollution about 750.000 chinamen and women die prematurely every year. But hey, when you have people like flies, you can afford them dropping like ones, too, I suppose? Can’t stand in the way of the economy now, can we? And that is why you built 2 coal power plants per week[!] last year…
Perhaps I need to speak your language: would you realize that these health issues are already costing you, China, 100 billion a year? That is 5.8% of BNP. Now, I don’t want to spoil your party, but methinks these figures are only going to rise…

Politik-polis, the caped crusader, was here.

function gone mal

Woke up in America. A sick loser shoots eight. I verify my geographical location by looking out the window. Finland? For real?!

Everyone is blaming the internet, I read. They are wrong. I think it was the school bullies. In my experience, it is always the school bullies. Will they ever learn a lesson? Will they never.
Anyway, it is too late to speculate; it is too late for eight, and all we can do is wipe the blood out of our minds like we always do – until it happens again. Sigh. Because it only takes one, and there is always one, and it always happens again.

Plain to see, I feel rather depressed with the way of the world today – and for all the wrong reasons. To be frank, I was not particularly shocked by this school massacre. I read the morning paper with the thousand-yard stare. I was jaded, not angry, only disappointed by the bleak history of humanity hell-bent on proving its ever-steadfast course of impossibly irrelevant destruction.
We all know what is out there, but we can never quite see it before the first shot.

Most are good, some are bad, a few are beyond repair. To those who malfunction, I have a message that most everyone wants to forward but dare not:

Go ahead, shoot yourself. But let the rest of us live.

judge dredd

Roy L. Pearson Jr. is a man I’d love to slander all the way to the slaughterhouse – was it not for the fact that he’d probably sue me for an astronomical amount. See, this man is sueing a dry-cleaning Korean family for… 65 MILLION DOLLARS FOR LOSING A PAIR OF PANTS!!!

Bang, bang! Order in the courtroom!

It comes as no surprise that this is taking place in America, land of the free, home of the blind, but what raised my eyebrows all the way to the back of my neck is the fact that dear ol’ Roy here is a JUDGE. Yes, a judge, who passes judgement onto others; someone who by all accounts should know the difference between right and wrong and the meaning of moral.

Bang, bang! Order in the courtroom!

I don’t think I ever heard anything more absurd in my life. As a caring member of the human race, I have been insanely insulted.
Then again, all evidence definitely point to Roy L. Pearson Jr. not being human at all. Probably humanoid. Perhaps hominoid. Certainly inhuman. Hopefully dehumanized.

sarko

Sarkozy just snacked on a Royal with cheese. And if you ask me, he is precisely what France needs after ages of socialist tomfoolery. And if you ask me, a promise to crack down on crime is always an election winner. And if you ask me, French trade unions make me roll my eyes. And if you ask me, I get a strange urge to utter something xenophobic now, but I’m too smart to fall into that pit of fire and snakes. Or…

Come on, Sarko! Bring out the Kärcher!

r-i-o-t

A certain statue in Tallinn represents freedom – but what kind of freedom, and who would you choose? Pest und cholera; Hitler or Stalin?

While chatting with my favorite Estonian, I came to realize something. Almost a third of the population in Estonia is Russian. Quite; A THIRD!

I certainly know what my famous professor at The Centre For The Study Of Democracy would have said. See, he was the first – yes, first – to predict the banana split of the Soviet Union on grounds of multitudes of ethnical diversity. Nationalism, he would have started… Indeed, Soviet Union, Yugoslavia, Israel

Just scaring you. Just leaving a trail of open questions and insinuations. Still, food for thought: 1991 has long since passed – the Russian third is clearly not going anywhere.

This means that people will have to “get along“. And we all know how well people are at doing that…

a lesson in socioeconomics

Socialism:

You have two cows. You give one to your neighbour.

Communism:

You have two cows. The state takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism:

You have two cows. The state takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism:

You have two cows. The state takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratisism:

You have two cows. The state takes both, shoots one, milks the other, then throws the milk away.

Realism:

You have two cows. You hate getting up early to milk them. You hate to shovel cow shit.

Idealism:

You have two cows. You get philosophical and smoke weed. When you remember you had two cows, it’s too late.

Surrealism:

You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Surrealism, part II:

You have two lobsters. You call your mother with one of them.

An American Corporation:

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

The Arthur Andersen Model:

You have two cows. You shred them.

A French Corporation:

You have two cows. You go on strike, riot and block the roads because you want three cows.

A French Corporation, part II:

You now have three cows. But you are still rude to them.

A Japanese Corporation:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are ten times smaller and produce twenty times the milk.

A German Corporation:

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian Corporation:

You have two cows. You have no idea where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A Swiss Corporation:

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A Chinese Corporation:

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim to have high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian Corporation:

You have two cows. You worship them.

A British Corporation:

You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Iraqi Corporation:

Everyone thinks that you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have no cows. They still invade your country.

A Welsh Corporation:

You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

An Australian Corporation:

You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office for the day and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A Finnish Corporation:

You have two cows. According to a study by the UNDP, they are the most developed and least corrupted cows in the world.

A Finnish Corporation, part II:

You have two cows. But you are too drunk to milk them.

A Kiwi Corporation:

You have sheep.

——————

[Source: part GQ Magazine, part yours truly]

happy with honda

hondaF1_07.jpg

It would be SO EASY to shoot down this in a massive blaze of gasoline cynicism… I won’t. You thought I would, didn’t you? Yeah, you did! Fess up! Anyway, before you think I’m talking to myself, read this:

Honda’s 2007 F1 car will feature no commercial logos at all, replacing them with a giant image of the Earth. It is an approach that is certain to rewrite the rule book in terms of sponsorship and communication, while drawing attention to one of the greatest challenges facing the world – climate change and environmental responsibility.

In other words, Honda is going to burn insane amounts of fossil fuel running around a track, burn even massively more on flying the cars around Earth, only to remind us that it’s getting warmer out there???

Why, that is absolutely and totally……… BRILLIANT!

You have to see good where there is good. This is comparable to bored silicone wives who do charity events – in the end, when you manage to see past the lipo/botox, gold nails and Gucci dog collars, the nip-and-tuckers actually do charity. And charity is good, no matter how you twist and turn in your jealous petty rage.

F1 is not just the decadent billion-dollar pinnacle of motorsport excess, it is also about the widest finest forum of the world. What place could be better suited to take a bold stand for a good cause; a cause that is truly global? Honda is forsaking a completely ridiculous amount of Yens in sponsorship money to raise awareness, and I for one commend and applaud and go nuts with goodwill towards Honda.

Obviously, this is a masterful PR victory of sensational scope. Call it a smokescreen if you will, but I’m willing to bet that Toyota [also in F1, but renowned for their hybrid cars] is chewing the meat off their fingers right now. See, the future is green, and as long as people first and foremost associate Honda with green, Dicaprio can run around in his Toyota Prius as much as he wants; Honda has the edge. Bravo!

See you in Albert Park.

death from above

April 13th, 2036, a suitably sized asteroid by the name of Apophis will either hit Earth, or wooosch past reaaaal close. In case Apophis hits its target, it will slam down at a speed of 40.000 km/h, and it might not help to keep your elbows up – the impact should correspond to about 80.000 Hiroshimas. These are undeniable facts. Un-de-nia-ble.

We are all going to die! DIE, I say! DIE AY AY!!!

Unless the nerds in white coats save us, of course… they have actually been hard at work on this project for quite some time already, and have come up with six magnificent ways of busting asteroids [none of which include Bruce Willis!]:

1. Push the asteroid with a satellite
2. Heating up the asteroid
3. Blowing up the asteroid with a nuke
[Always a crowd favorite!]
4. Spinning the asteroid
5. Shooting the asteroid with a laser
[Oooh, we like, we like!]
6. Disturbing the trajectory of the asteroid with gravity, by parking a spaceship next to it. [According to my secret snitch, this is currently the hottest tip to deal with Apophis of 2036.]

Anyway, I recommend you hedge your bets and stay away from Kazakstan or Venezuela or Ghana come April 13th, 2036