Waiting for the primer to dry – this week’s project: laying big beautiful tiles of Italian stone on the floor in the entrance hall – I thought I’d use the two hours afforded to me for the preview. You know, THE preview.
Right from the bat, at full chat, make no mistake, two-ou-ou-eight will light up the very night. Should you not be of the Finnish persuasion, however, you are in for a such a freezing cold shower it will make your little wiener fall off and slip through the drainhole…
2008, in order of champ to chump to chimpanzee:
Kimi RÃ¤ikkÃ¶nen: The Chosen One. The Racer XY. Kimi Kong. The quintessence of Finland shall win every round of 2008, soiling the record book with crimson.
Felipe Massa: Fast, but frail. The little Brazilian is fourth in 2008. Watch out for him in qualifying, though. He’s got quick feet and sweet fingers.
Lewis Hamilton: The black boy you want to marry is in for shock therapy. Not only will Kimi Kong crush him, he will also get beaten by his own team-mate. His hopes rest on the [considerable] plotting & scheming abilities of McLaren.
Heikki Kovalainen: A breakthrough year in store for another of Finland’s finest. We will finally get an idea of his speed – and few will know what hit them. As the year wears down, he will eventually get the edge over Hamilton.
Fernando Alonso: Sure, the Spaniard’s good – good enough to raise Renault past BMW. But will that be enough for him? Stereotypically, Latin men do not handle defeat very well. Embarrassing tantrums are to be expected amidst some impressive performances.
Nelson Piquet Jr: He’s got the name. But it’s wrapped around a snack for Alonso.
Nico Rosberg: Ha. I almost wrote Nico ‘Rosebud‘. It might be a sign? Is he the plot device of 2008? It seems as though Williams have been hauling butt in pre-season testing. I’ll go out on a thin limb and predict a return to form for the great English team. With Nice Nico, the three-pronged attack of Finland is complete. What a formidable fork to stick in the pork!
Kazuki Nakajima: Like Rubens Barrichello to Michael Schumacher, Kazuki can not touch Nico.
Nick Heidfeld: Sometimes fast. Sadly, Nick is the HH Frentzen of F1 – infinite potential, invisible impact. His case is not helped by BMW, struggling slightly this year.
Robert Kubica: A Pole in a car instead of on a horse still amazes me. Once you get over that slur, know that Kubica has dazzling talent, will pip Quick Nick and emerge as top propeller in the stable.
Mark Webber: I like to drink Red Bull. They are a great sponsor of all things wacky. They won’t crack F1, though, not even with another car designed by Adrian Newey – is he worth the money? Worse yet, unless this year proves me wrong, I will soon reach the conclusion that Mark is slightly overrated.
David Coulthard: According to an article I just read, the Scotsman has the smallest butt in F1. Perhaps he’s been sitting in that tiny cockpit for too long? David is a nice guy – would it be too cruel to suggest retirement? Nah, not when you’re living large and screwing hot models in Monaco.
Sebastian Vettel: Many, including me, were expecting more out of Vettel last season. As a test driver for BMW, he had sensational speed, and it scared me to think the new Schuey had arrived all too soon. In any case, I still expect a lot from this guy. Germany’s fastest, I reckon – Red Bull, beware – the junior team and Vettel should be able to throw in a surprise or three in 2008. Stick your ‘One To Watch‘ sticker here.
Sebastien Bourdais: The other Seb will struggle. It’s a gutsy move to abandon Champ Car success for a crack at the mid-pack over here, but history is harsh – all too often the Indy guys are sent back, broken. F1 needs a Frenchman, but will this Frenchman want to stay in F1 after 2008? Odds go no.
Jarno Trulli: First of all, Toyota would do better to return to WRC. Second, can we agree that it’s high time for Trulli to kill or get killed? If you’re supposed to be this fast, you better produce results too – and not just in qualifying.
Timo Glock: Will he be able to match Trulli’s one-lap bursts? Maybe not, but I suspect Timo is a real racer. This ought to be interesting, was it not for the fact that Toyota has only been able to produce boredom since they entered F1.
Jenson Button: Well, at least Toyota will outperform Honda. This legendary company is fast loosing its reputation they built over the years. I rode Honda motocross bikes for most of my career because they were incredibly reliable and fast. Their F1 cars are the exact opposite of reliable and fast. Ross Brawn must like challenges… Poor Jenson. There is nothing worse for a man than to realize he is squandering his talent while life is passing by.
Rubens Barrichello: Honda not only manages to build hopeless cars, they also make hopeless driver choices. In short, they suck on all accounts. 2008, Rubens will become the most experienced driver of all time. Personally, I’d prefer he got fired, so Ricardo Patrese could hold on to his well-deserved 256GP record.
Giancarlo Fisichella: Frankly, Force India can beat Honda. Fisico’s star is waning, but I’d like nothing more than to see the Italian extract a few more good races before taking the road that leads to Rome.
Adrian Sutil: A capable driver, yet probably not quite capable enough.
Takuma Sato: Entertaining. I hope Super Aguri has the funds to keep the team running.
Anthony Davidson: Well, I always had a soft spot for the underdog.