I have uncovered a huge conspiracy; the whole of the European Union is in on it. And believe me, this is serious. This is not one of those cucumber standardization programs that makes the wanna-be federation look like potatoheads, oh no-o-oh, this is danger, danger, high voltage.
This remarkable exposÃ© – which I, hehe, read in Helsingin Sanomat last week – will reveal to you the latest plan by the EU to kill all fun left in the old world! All fun – it could soon be gone! Gaasp!
I’ll leave you hanging while I digress: sensationally, I used to be the best friend the EU ever had. In the early nineties, I walked around wearing those damn pro-EU stickers – you know, circle of stars, blue background, the letters E and U in the middle – which I also stuck onto everything including cars and houses and more often than not, the backs of people. I preached the part, too, told all the haters that the Union was the best thing since sliced bread and remote controls. Sir, we are not Lower Moldavia – we are a sophisticated member of Western Europe Elite Ltd, I used to say, besser-wisserly.
Ever the die-hard cosmopolitan and soft-brain visionary, I saw unified Europe as a way of restoring past grandeur, splendeur, amour, glamour to the continent that had lost its buff after too many wars and narrow moustaches.
And Finland O Finland, the best, the most high-tech, the most developed and least corrupted country in the world, was going to be right up there, fighting for a place at the helm of the rudder. I made plans for myself, too; moved to London to go to university, to study… guess? European Politics, of course. Oh yeah. A piece of that helm!
Sadly, I soon noticed it was never going to work.
Europe is just too… French.
Then I bailed, just as the boat got too heavy and started to take in water. The rudder was no longer working, either. The blind hens aboard the sinking boat struck gold with the common currency, but since then, nothing but crap and corpses. Slowly but surely, I’ve been turning into one of those heathen haters I was converting over a decade ago.
Post-insightfulness, we make a post-haste return to that remarkable exposÃ© teaser from the beginning:
The EU Commission has put forth a proposal stating that by 2012 all cars sold inside the EU must average less than 130g of CO2 per kilometer. Oh, great, you should think upon hearing this, rejoicing riotously in our nigh-on futile battle against nigh-on inevitable global warming.
Unfortunately, in praxis this means that no cars can consume more than about 5 litres per 100 kilometers after 2012.
And that, my friends, I have come to realize, is the sad death of the sports car as we know it.
What will now happen to the middle-aged man?!! I weep for the rich Lamborghini-driving bastard of caucasian complexion. We need to protect these dinosaurs of the male species! They are under serious threat of extinction.
Veto the EU! Save the sports car! Save the rich middle-aged Lamborghini-driving man of caucasian complexion! Save… ME!!!
[[This gonzo rampage blog is not called “A New Paradigm Of Ego” for nothing. When I turn 50, not only will I want a younger wife, but I will also want to march straight to my local Lamborghini dealer for some extra hair on the chest, i.e. a middle-engined sports car that consumes at least a throaty 50 litres per 100 kilometres at the speed of sound.]]
The fountain of youth exists.
Please, let me be able to drink from it when I turn auld.