taste this

You can not trust a man who does not drink” the apt saying goes. No, I am not the one who coined it, but I dearly wish I had. Whoever did apparently had a very true and deep understanding of life.

Finnish Prime Minister Matti Vanhanen takes it even further; not only is he a teetotaler, he does not eat cheese, nor onion, including garlic.

Come, come. Does this sound like someone who understands you – the people? Like someone who shares your values? Like someone you would vote for to act as your representative?

NO.

No wine, no cheese, no life. What does the minister – who holds the keys to our country – live on? Milk and boiled potatoes? You make me suspicious, man-politician. I look at you from the corner of my eye.

I will always vote for someone who has functioning tastebuds

Thus spake citizen Pyton.

the conspiracy against the middle-aged man

I have uncovered a huge conspiracy; the whole of the European Union is in on it. And believe me, this is serious. This is not one of those cucumber standardization programs that makes the wanna-be federation look like potatoheads, oh no-o-oh, this is danger, danger, high voltage.

This remarkable expos̩ Рwhich I, hehe, read in Helsingin Sanomat last week Рwill reveal to you the latest plan by the EU to kill all fun left in the old world! All fun Рit could soon be gone! Gaasp!

I’ll leave you hanging while I digress: sensationally, I used to be the best friend the EU ever had. In the early nineties, I walked around wearing those damn pro-EU stickers – you know, circle of stars, blue background, the letters E and U in the middle – which I also stuck onto everything including cars and houses and more often than not, the backs of people. I preached the part, too, told all the haters that the Union was the best thing since sliced bread and remote controls. Sir, we are not Lower Moldavia – we are a sophisticated member of Western Europe Elite Ltd, I used to say, besser-wisserly.
Ever the die-hard cosmopolitan and soft-brain visionary, I saw unified Europe as a way of restoring past grandeur, splendeur, amour, glamour to the continent that had lost its buff after too many wars and narrow moustaches.
And Finland O Finland, the best, the most high-tech, the most developed and least corrupted country in the world, was going to be right up there, fighting for a place at the helm of the rudder. I made plans for myself, too; moved to London to go to university, to study… guess? European Politics, of course. Oh yeah. A piece of that helm!
Sadly, I soon noticed it was never going to work.
Europe is just too… French.
Then I bailed, just as the boat got too heavy and started to take in water. The rudder was no longer working, either. The blind hens aboard the sinking boat struck gold with the common currency, but since then, nothing but crap and corpses. Slowly but surely, I’ve been turning into one of those heathen haters I was converting over a decade ago.

Post-insightfulness, we make a post-haste return to that remarkable exposé teaser from the beginning:

The EU Commission has put forth a proposal stating that by 2012 all cars sold inside the EU must average less than 130g of CO2 per kilometer. Oh, great, you should think upon hearing this, rejoicing riotously in our nigh-on futile battle against nigh-on inevitable global warming.
Unfortunately, in praxis this means that no cars can consume more than about 5 litres per 100 kilometers after 2012.

And that, my friends, I have come to realize, is the sad death of the sports car as we know it.

What will now happen to the middle-aged man?!! I weep for the rich Lamborghini-driving bastard of caucasian complexion. We need to protect these dinosaurs of the male species! They are under serious threat of extinction.

Veto the EU! Save the sports car! Save the rich middle-aged Lamborghini-driving man of caucasian complexion! Save… ME!!!

[[This gonzo rampage blog is not called “A New Paradigm Of Ego” for nothing. When I turn 50, not only will I want a younger wife, but I will also want to march straight to my local Lamborghini dealer for some extra hair on the chest, i.e. a middle-engined sports car that consumes at least a throaty 50 litres per 100 kilometres at the speed of sound.]]

The fountain of youth exists.

Please, let me be able to drink from it when I turn auld.

the angry young man

The joys of life is punctured by episodes of blind rage and furious anger. I can think of several at this very moment, but one that stands out more than a lot is the latest and possibly lousiest decision ever taken by the Finnish government:

Say hello to warning labels on ALL bottles of alcohol; aka the tarrapakko.

If you are of a sensitive disposition, look away now; a rapid stream of vulgarity commences. [“It’s my blog, and I swear if I want to, swear if I want to!”]

What the FUCK are these FUCKING nazis doing messing with one of the last bohemian pleasures left in this world?!!! Don’t these FUCKERS have anything better to do?!! FUCK!!! What the FUCK do they think this will accomplish?!!! A beautiful dark green bottle of God’s blood is as much part of good dinner as the flesh itself. This FUCKING guilt-adding lunacy trip is completely destroying the visual feast this is. A die-hard aesthete like me finds this utterly revolting. I have one mother already!!! It’s not like I’m sipping on kerosene from Lithuania to go with the Camembert! You buttplugs!!! And what about the proven health benefits of wine, you FUCKING idiots!!! When will you realize you are not Jesus, Napoleon complex to boot!!! Why not return to prohibition while you’re at it?!! Then, next thing you know, we’re heading straight for the Dark Ages again!!! I bid a teary-eyed goodbye to the final remains of the age of enlightenment and illumination. What now: warning labels on candles – danger: hot to touch – yeah, that will go down nicely over a candlelight dinner with wine. Then, slap on some stickers on the knives and forks, too, you fascist pigs!!! You don’t want anyone to cut themselves, do you?!! Answer me!!! Do you?!! Where does it end?!! What the FUCK goes on in your heads?!!! This is not the sue-me-too US of FUCKING A!!! Do you think the filthy drunks in the parks care about warning labels?!! I can just see them give up booze because of this… duh!!! This senseless new sticker law only affects the good citizens like you and me – business just as FUCKING usual!!! Oh, this unhinged display of pathetic uselessness… I say, keep on underestimating the intelligence of the people in Finland like this, and I FUCKING swear we’ll come and burn your FUCKING house to the ground!!!

C’est ca, so listen up, little Hitlers! You do NOT represent me! You are NOT getting away with this! I will dedicate the rest of my life fighting you! And I start right here, right now:

The gormless Jesus nazis (104 persons) voting for this bill are:

Keskusta – Centre Party
SDP – Social Democratic Party
KD – Christian Democrats
RKP – Swedish Peoples’ Party (yeah nannies, look for my ever trusty Swedish-speaking vote in the FUCKING moon!)

The parties (71 persons) battling mindless stupidity, ie against, were:

Kokoomus – Coalition Party
Vasemmistoliitto – Left Alliance
Vihreät – Green League
(Individual people: Raimo Vistbacka, Arto Bryggare, Ilkka Taipale)

Tell all your friends, my good citizens. Don’t let the bullies sans brains walk all over you. Know that warning stickers are only one step away from complete forbiddance. Personally, I’ll mourn the last vestiges of freedom by getting gloriously drunk this weekend. I suggest you do the same. Kippis.

swedish meatheads

Last year, the police in Eskilstuna, Sweden, stopped a 23-year old man driving under the influence. The police also found he was carrying a knife. The man tried to escape by running away. The police caught up to him. There was a bit of a ruckus. The man tried to hit the police.

Later, one sued the other. And here, the particular Swedishness of it all enters the event. Lo: the 23-year old man – the violent drunk! – successfully sued the policeman for calling him a “jävla fitta“…

Candyass Sweden makes me so fucking angry. Uuuh, look, I swore too… so sue me, suckers!

who is the greediest man in Finland?

Mikael Lilius, Fortum President and CEO.

Who is the most humiliated man in Finland?

Mikael Lilius, Fortum President and CEO.

[I am rollickin’ n’ frolickin’ in Schadenfreude. The little people have spoken, and for once the big man had to bend over and take it from behind. Normally, on a daily basis, it is the other way around; BUT THIS only happens once in a thousand years, so enjoy it! Live it! Love it!]

polly pollution

Do you want to know what Jesus really would drive?

A recent study, one claiming to be the most exhaustive ever on motoring environmental impact, has concluded that even most fat SUVs are more eco-friendly than the holy hybrid Toyota Prius – the favorite of well-meaning politicians and moviestars.

See, this two-year research project by CNW Marketing is a TOTAL study, ie “from dust to dust”, and takes into account everything from fuel consumption to factory manufacturing costs, parts, recyclability and durability, plus energy used on every level from beginning to end.

So far, the extent of most politicians’ and moviestars’ eco-thinking has been based on fuel consumption alone, which is why they drive dorky hybrids. This in-depth and extensive study also points out that these doofuses like to smell their own farts… [ok, there is a slight chance the last sentence may be false…]

Anyway, the truth is finally out there, and in here, on untouchable RAFAELPYTON.COM. According to the CNW report, the greenest car on our planet is – tadaaa – the Scion xB! [The Scion xB is a small car made by Toyota for the US market.]
In addition, let me proudly copy and paste the whole Top 10. Smile, because Jesus would drive one of these:

1. Scion xB ($0.48 per mile)
2. Ford Escort (0.57 per mile)
3. Jeep Wrangler ($0.60 per mile) [Imagine that – a 4×4!]
4. Chevrolet Tracker ($0.69 per mile)
5. Toyota Yaris ($0.70 per mile)
6. Saturn Ion ($0.71 per mile)
7. Hyundai Elantra ($0.72 per mile)
8. Dodge Neon ($0.73 per mile)
9. Toyota Corolla ($0.73 per mile)
10. Scion xA ($0.74 per mile

[Observe: Research data is translated into a “dollars per lifetime mile” figure, or the Energy Cost per mile driven].

Yes. That is that. Get one of those if you truly care about the world, but still need a car. For the rest of us, who love cars and who aren’t quite so dull & dreary, there is also hope of getting to heaven, as the Porsche 911 comes in well underneath any hybrid. So does the Dodge Viper, the BMW M3, the Mercedes-Benz CL, and the Range Rover Sport, just to name a few.

As far as the hybrids go, here’s a top 5:

1. Honda Insight ($2.94 per mile)
2. Ford Escape Hybrid ($3.18 per mile)
3. Honda Civic Hybrid ($3.24 per mile)
4. Toyota Prius ($3.25 per mile)
5. Honda Accord Hybrid ($3.30 per mile)

Moreover, this post would not be complete without a whip from the wrong side of the stick. These remorseless bandits, headed by emperor Maybach, are in a rogue league of their own. Still, when you see them, please don’t key them. Settle for showing the driver your tongue, if you feel you have to display contempt. Now, may I present Earth’s 10 least energy efficient vehicles over their lifetime:

1. Maybach by Mercedes-Benz ($11.58 per mile)
2. Volkswagen Phaeton ($11.21 per mile)
3. Rolls-Royce (full line average: $10.66 per mile)
4. Bentley (full line average: $10.56 per mile)
5. Audi Allroad Quattro ($5.59 per mile)
6. Audi A8 ($4.96 per mile)
7. Audi A6 ($4.96 per mile)
8. Lexus LS430 ($4.73 per mile)
9. Porsche Carrera GT ($4.53 per mile)
10. Honda NSX ($4.45 per mile)

Thus, you have been enlightened and illuminated.

the circus in strasbourg

According to the spokesperson of the EU parliament, Josep Borrell from Spain, the Nordic countries have not suffered the tragedies of war. Oh yeah?! I seem to have a slightly different recollection… a fact supported by the dvd-box I bought the other day; Suomalaisen Sotaelokuvan Klassikot [Finnish War-movie Classics].

I want Borrell’s head on a plate. In his position, the tiniest of demands would be to know a bit of European history. Anyway, the Spanish fool pointed this comment in the direction of Swedish MEP Cecilia Malmström, who is the first one with the guts and common sense to question the position of Strasbourg.

I used to be huge fan of the Union, but it spiraled out of control with the latest enlargement. Cecilia is the best thing that has happened to the EU since the single currency. Allow me to explain:
The European Parliament moves once a month, for one week, from Brussels to Strasbourg. This moving circus costs the European taxpayer [yes, that is you..]
200 million eurobucks a year!
Freaking ridiculous, I have always thought – but Cecilia did something about it. She started the oneseat campaign on the web in May, with the mission of dropping Strasbourg. In September, the petition surpassed a million signatures… including MINE.

The web campaign has received particularly much support from Holland, Sweden, Finland, and Denmark. Borrell was talking about the peace symbolicism of Strasbourg and how easy it is to forget the horrors of war when you have not experienced them, thinking that to be the reason why a large proportion of signatures have come from the Nordic countries. Pajillero!

Obviously, France will never let cash-cow Strasbourg go… which is why you must stand up now! Raise your voice! Tighten the screws! End the waste! Be a good European citizen! Do your duty! Do it now! Sign the petition!

WWW.ONESEAT.EU

Thank You.

don quijote

Global warming is wonderful, short-term. It’s the end of September, and what am I doing? Watching the water glitter and flutter, adding to an already deep skin-bronze, that’s what I’m doing. Yep, it’s 25 degrees out here in the Finnish archipelago of Nagu, and sweat is running from doing nothing but reading something glossy in the sun, while Marvin Gaye occupies the background and the squirrels go nuts over pine cones. Ah, the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

There is one ugly spot on the horizon, though. Literally. The government, bless their incompetent tomfoolery, is planning to build lots of wind power plants in the archipelago… Wind power plants! In the archipelago! Do you know, that one wind power plant is as tall as a 40-storey building?! Oh, they’ll just blend in… Translation: they plan to visually pollute, no rape, the most beautiful place in Finland, if not the whole damn Earth! I just faint!

In the name of global warming, of course, we need to act. That’s what Al Gore says. I understand – I try to understand – I try. Ok, let’s say we all have to make sacrifices – wind power is green, thus good, the consensus seem to be. But then you go and read that the target for combined megawatt production of the wind power plants in Finland in 2010 – that is including the potential destruction of the Finnish archipelago – is to reach 500 megawatts. Aha. 500 megawatts… how much is that?

THAT IS A LOUSY ONE PERCENT OF TOTAL ELECTRICITY CONSUMPTION IN FINLAND!!!

Is it really only me that thinks that ruining the extremly sensitive and completely unique mosaic of sea and stone with these horrid white 80 metres tall freakshows is not worth doing for one damn percent? It just can’t be. I am already completely overwhelmed and overpowered by the thought of the government even contemplating this. I. Just. Don’t. Get. It.

I am trying so very very hard to understand. Ok, let’s say the idea of wind power is so fucking irresistable to the gutless zombies of the government, that we absolutely MUST have them, even if they only could produce one (1) percent (%) of what we need. So, go ahead and build them somewhere else in Finland! There is far too much land here to have to destroy the best we have. I’m sure the wind blows elsewhere too.

What I have said here should make sense, no matter what kind of an idiot you, they, are. So why could it happen? Sadly, one can never underestimate the idiocy of idiots. But I promise you this; if they build them, I will become the new Don Quijote. I will throw my lance in the hearts of these beasts. I swear I will. Bolt for bolt, rotor for rotor; they are going down.

fuck da police

Terribly sorry for the unstylish headline… but it captures my mood to a tee. I really wish they would catch “real” criminals instead of friendly file sharers. Unfortunately, “real” criminals are dangerous…

It is painfully obvious that the police are the puppets of the music & movie industry – I call them the money industry – and their immensly powerful lobbyists. [Lobbyist: is that the new lawyer?]

Copyright infringement may be in breach of law, but not in spirit, and certainly not in morality. If your picture is black and white, you need to shake your tv around. There is law, and then there is moral law, and by no means do they always go hand in hand. Yes, I am aware of the inherent impossibilities of moral law [i.e, the universality of it].

Does anyone actually believe that the money industry is looking out for the poor artist? Then I’m happy to tell you that they are here to fill their own pockets – their shareholders’ pockets. Whores of quarter economy! If an artist does not sell, he is out on his ear faster than you can say sayonara. And if you still hit me with the book of law; what about the black blues artists Rolling Stones ripped off? They certainly did not get a dime in royalties. Still picking cotton, as Lenny Cohen would say.

I sound like a damn idealist. I hate that, and I’m not. But I also hate the fact that there is so much wrong in right & right in wrong.

Pirate Bay is not dead. I repeat, Pirate Bay is not dead.